There's only so much a girl can take, honestly, this is a fact. So far since this grand idea to leave me with three kids, a dad, and a house to take care of I've been taking a turn for the worst. My natural knack for drama has only reached it's peak, my personal image has crashed and burned, my self-esteem has taken a beating, and my resolve to be the best fake mom ever has strengthened.
So, this song (Everything Falls) has become my song of the day and soon may become my go-to song for when I want to scream and jump off of a rooftop (I did tell you the thing about only becoming more dramatic, right?)
So I'm going to give you a few examples of the above problems that I'm having.
The other day I burst into tears because my dad told me to calm down, I also called him yesterday and declared it to be the worst day of my life-I've been saying that waaaay more lately than I'd like. I updated my facebook status saying "My life is a perfect graveyard of buried hopes" which is a quote from Anne of Green Gables (movie.)
I walked around the house with the same hairstyle for a week, and only changed headbands to make it look as if I did it. Yesterday I spilled black beans everywhere (including on my shirt) and went to midweek church service just like that. I really felt everyone should have been grateful that at least I took the beans off and only had mud-like smudges on my pink and white striped shirt. To give it uniformity I was going to smudge all over the shirt, but I didn't have time--TRUE STORY! Since in "normal life" I can never find my shoes, and definitely in crazy life I can't find them I've been wearing the same sandals every day for over a week except for Sunday.
While logically I know that I should be proud of myself, I see sooo many problems with everything I do. It puts me on the defense a lot. My dad joked this morning that my mom stayed up (after waking up at 4:50 AM) until he leaves out the door (at 5:20 AM.) I was so sleepy that the only retort I could come up with was "better go find the mommyloo then!" and a kiss on the cheek. Sorry dad. After I finally washed and restyled my hair yesterday someone at church KEPT saying (they think I'm hard of hearing too?!) that I must've stuck my finger in an electric socket. I was not amused, but I was resigned. The girls haven't once said "Momma doesn't..." or mentioned her in that way, so I'm grateful, but there have definitely been other such statements, all of which sting. To make matters worse, someone told me yesterday I should grow a backbone and tell everyone I refuse to do this any longer. I think that being that way would come back and bite me later when there's something really really want to do (like my mom wants to be with her firstborn when she has her first child.)
The house may look more lived-in that it has in quite awhile, but it won't be for lack of trying, or for lack of calling out orders lol.
So I repeat (or retype) there is only so much a girl can take before she starts fasting and praying that her sister hurries and goes into labor so she can have her life back. I know, how selfish, but the selfishness has been saved as the topic for another post.